A hole in the wall

So, tonight I finished the whole beating myself up for being a jerk, repenting of what I've done, and have started to try and mend a couple of relationship bridges...or tear the wall down...something like that. And yet again I've seen how God is good. I was reading Psalm 51 tonight and journaling through my thoughts and feelings and got a bit of the beating written down. But God moved things along and showed me some stuff.

"Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me--now let me rejoice...Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me...Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you."

I need the joy of the Lord in my life right now. I internalize things so much...too much...especially my own failings, and then I fall into a depression of sorts. But I am a child of the King. His children are not to live their lives in sadness, but are to glory in what He has done for them, take joy in what He has made, who He is, and what He is doing. It is a great honour to be part of His family. We do not just happen to be part of it. He CHOOSES us. [a realization hits home finally] He chose me. He delights in me. He wants me to live in joy. He will give me joy!

"God decided in advance to adopt [me] into His family by bringing [me] to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." --Ephesians 1:5

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you."

My Jesus, You are so WONDERFUL! I can sing of your forgiveness because You have forgiven me. I can sing of Your love because I know it. Unseal my lips, Lord. Let me praise You! You are great and mighty, yet overflowing with compassion. And you love idiot jerks like me, even when we hurt You and hurt Your children and are utterly unlikable. Thank you, father, for loving my unlovableness. For not passing me up but taking the time to convict me and show me what needs to change and how to start.