Tuesday, October 31, 2006


How do you stop believing those lies that are so firmly ingrained in you? The ones that are the foundation of the wall. I can't get out. You can't get in. Something needs to change.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Perfection and Belize

"If you give [God] an inch, He will take an ell....That is why He warned people to 'count the cost' before becoming Christians. 'Make no mistake,' He says, 'if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect--until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less.'" --'Mere Christianity' by C.S. Lewis
Doesn't that just fill you with hope? No matter how frustrated you get with your failings, no matter how much you want to give up on yourself, Jesus never will. He can't. When you're His, you're HIS for KEEPS, and He will never stop making you perfect until you are.
So, today went pretty well. I've been up since 5 am (VERY early for me) to say goodbye to Dad, Mom, and Andy-boy. They're in Seattle right now, and fly to BELIZE tomorrow! Three very important weeks to follow. Man, I can't believe they're going to be gone that long. And to be honest, I'm kinda scared. I mean, I've talked about them going, and I've talked about them moving and about me moving to Vancouver, but this sudden realization that all this is more than talk is suddenly rather frightening. But if God's in it, it will all be for the good.

Friday, October 27, 2006


Like anyone is interested...just wanted to say my shirt turned out GREAT! Once again it is my favorite!
I watched The Return of the King today. How can I describe just how great Samwise Gamgee is? He beats them all black and blue.

dye dye DYE

All I can say is...wow. What a hard class today! But I've been assured that today was the hardest. Topic? Abortion. The main methods and what part of the pregnancy they are performed in. It was very hard stuff to listen to. Fortunately they didn't go into too much detail...just enough so you know what's going on. And then all this brought up other things...I got a little teary-eyed a few times. Especially when the lady who teaches the course talked about her first miscarriage...and made me think of Nicky and Adam...
I suppose I should tell what all this is about. I haven't really told anybody. I'm taking a peer counceling course at the Crisis Pregnancy Center in town. Class runs from 9-12 on Friday mornings. I don't know that this is what I want to do, but I thought it would be a good course to take, all things considered.
So, a much lighter note: FINALLY, after what? almost 9 months? I am going to dye an old shirt. At the moment it looks tie-dyed after spending the night in a sink full of bleach. It was SUPPOSED to end up totally white, but only a little of it worked. So I bought some dye remover and teal dye. Any Morocscotlanders out there? Remember my blue shirt? It won't be blue anymore. And unless I'm misspelling the word, I think 'dye' is one of the stupidest spellings out there.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

A hole in the wall

So, tonight I finished the whole beating myself up for being a jerk, repenting of what I've done, and have started to try and mend a couple of relationship bridges...or tear the wall down...something like that. And yet again I've seen how God is good. I was reading Psalm 51 tonight and journaling through my thoughts and feelings and got a bit of the beating written down. But God moved things along and showed me some stuff.

"Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me--now let me rejoice...Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me...Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you."

I need the joy of the Lord in my life right now. I internalize things so much...too much...especially my own failings, and then I fall into a depression of sorts. But I am a child of the King. His children are not to live their lives in sadness, but are to glory in what He has done for them, take joy in what He has made, who He is, and what He is doing. It is a great honour to be part of His family. We do not just happen to be part of it. He CHOOSES us. [a realization hits home finally] He chose me. He delights in me. He wants me to live in joy. He will give me joy!

"God decided in advance to adopt [me] into His family by bringing [me] to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure." --Ephesians 1:5

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you."

My Jesus, You are so WONDERFUL! I can sing of your forgiveness because You have forgiven me. I can sing of Your love because I know it. Unseal my lips, Lord. Let me praise You! You are great and mighty, yet overflowing with compassion. And you love idiot jerks like me, even when we hurt You and hurt Your children and are utterly unlikable. Thank you, father, for loving my unlovableness. For not passing me up but taking the time to convict me and show me what needs to change and how to start.

Monday, October 23, 2006


I wish I could capture things with a camera as I see them. But it doesn't quite work that way. I mean, when I think about it, I rarely ever see 'reality'...what's there in front of me. Either I see things and my mind is elsewhere (thereby attempting to make use of my VERY poor short-term memory), or when I SEE things, my imagination is engaged and I don't really see them as they are. I see behind things, like a story. What might happen or might have happened in the past, or where it fits in a story that's never been told...but not what's now. And that's what the camera captures...NOW. Is it possible to capture it? Maybe I just have to learn to be better in writing. And yet...Sometimes I think people do capture it. Some of Hillary and Josh's pictures...when you get past the first glance you can see there's a little more than the subject...a hint of a story or a feeling...I shall have to try...

I probably haven't made much sense...a weird thought hard to express...but definatly much more cheerful than some other things I considered saying. And now I must go. Go eat cream cheese and chocolate chips. Mmmm...mini cheesecake!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The girl

...and it went around a girl.

The wall

Once upon a time there was a wall...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Charity and Faith

I've been reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, and came across a very thought-provoking idea when he talked about charity. He said:

"I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare. In other words, if our expenditure on comforts, luxuries, amusements, etc., is up to the standard common among those with the same income as our own, we are probably giving away too little. If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot do because our charities expenditure escludes
I am speaking now of 'charities' in the common way. Particular cases of distress among your own relatives, friends, neighbours or employees, which God, as it were, forces upon your notice, may demand much more: even to the crippling and endangering of your own position. For many of us the great obstacle to charity lies not in our luxurious living or desire for more money, but in our fear--fear of insecurity."

Am I willing to live like that? I don't know. It would mean relying on God more than ever...and now that I say that it sounds pretty stupid. Relying on God is a GOOD thing! It is amazing to be in that situation...to see Him come through for you in expected and unexpected ways. But can I bring myself to let go?

Monday, October 09, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

There is nothing like the feeling of a baby resting his head on you and falling asleep...Is that how God feels when we trust Him?
I've had so much inner turmoil going on recently...I hated days off because I'd just sit and think...and then get so restless I had to take a long walk. Reminded me of last year about this time when Grandpa was sick and I'd drown myself in movies to forget or walk all weekend to relieve frustration (to the still-continueing detriment of my ankle). But now I think things are settling down a little. I still feel a little lost, but I know God'll make things clearer in His time.
Yesterday was interesting. I woke up at 2:00am...tried to go to sleep but couldn't, so I sat in the sauna for about an hour. Came upstairs and started reading a book called "The Names of God" by Andrew Jukes until 6:30. 7:00 went to work. Got off at 4, got home a half hour later and was welcomed by my family and Grandma and my aunt and uncle and two cousins...people really shouldn't have to do homework on a holiday...but it's not MY grade that's on the line either, so I shouldn't talk. Visited with everyone, played Snap and that cup game Hillary taught us, and very suddenly felt hemmed in. Probably from working in such a small crowded space and then sitting at a crowded dinner table and playing crowded games...It was hard to give people good-bye hugs.
I'm sorry if I hurt you Tasha. I didn't mean to.
Watched Without A Trace then went to bed at 11.
So maybe it isn't really interesting to read, but it was interesting to live.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Rule of Life #3

"Unless you have all the time in the world, don't try to boil the water on 'minimum'"

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Rule of Life #2

"If at first you don't succeed...
Skydiving is not for you."