This blog is still dead. I decided not to resurrect it. But on the off chance that someone shows up and actually wants to read about what's new in my life, I'll leave the new link:
www.justpassinthrough@wordpress.com

goodbye

This blog no longer serves any real purpose, and is running a great risk of doing harm instead of any kind of good or harmlessness. If that makes any sense. So, adios to any and all who read this stuff. Thanks for your attention, but it is better to turn it somewhere else.

Adios!

Here's to favorite customers who leave us to hide out in the deepest darkest corners of South Africa for 5 years of University. Thank goodness you're only one!

What's your denomination?

I just took an interesting online test to see what denomination best fits my beliefs. Here are the results:

1. (100%) Congregational/United Church of Christ
2. (96%) Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic)
3. (89%) Presbyterian/Reformed
4. (86%) Eastern Orthodox
5. (82%) Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene
6. (79%) Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.)
7. (79%) Baptist (non-Calvinistic)/Plymouth Brethren/Fundamentalist
8. (79%) Pentecostal.Charismatic/Assemblies of God
9. (75%) Anglican/Episcopal/Church of England
10. (75%) Lutheran
11. (68%) Seventh-Day Adventist
12. (62%) Church of Christ/Campbellite
13. (62%) Roman Catholic

Very interesting to see the results. For the first 9 or so years of my life my family attended Pentecostal Churches (we moved alot, hence the "es" on Church). Then we attended a Fellowship Baptist for...6 years I think. A little more moving and we checked out a few more churches (ie. a Four Square Church and a Mennonite Brethren, among others), but for the past 4 years or so we haven't attended church anywhere. So, with that as my background, I found these results rather interesting. And really, I no longer care what denomination a person attends, especially as I couldn't really say what my own is.

Creative impulses and the lack of output

I have this great urge to write right now. So I sat down to generally outline a story idea I've had for a while...and discovered that it's a very STUPID story, and I really don't want to write it. But what DO I want to write? I don't know. I want to write something that makes people laugh. And inspires them to create something themselves. A lot of my favorite movies do that. Like "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" and "Flushed Away" and "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." Pretty well anything that has a great character (like Rita) or strong emotion (like Mr. Smith talking himself hoarse in the Senate) or great drama (like the White Witch revealing to Mr. Tumnus that it was Ed who betrayed him for a few pieces of Turkish Delight) inspires this. I guess it's the same with my favorite books too. It's pretty hard to beat Fish...tied to a post in a dark basement, frantically trying to get loose as he watches Rose slowly suffocating; her head covered in a plastic bag*. Or when Marcus Valerian tries to drown himself in the Sea of Galilee but survives and finds hope and life and the two greatest desires of his heart instead.*.

I can't describe the feeling I get every time I watch The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and see Mr. Tumnus looking EXACTLY as I'd always pictured him. Or listening to Focus On The Family's Radio Theatre version of the same story and just KNOW that the voice they chose for Edmund was PERFECT. And when music is perfectly matched to the action in the movie, like the part in the Fellowship of the Ring when Gandalf goes down with the belrog, or Shrek fights his way in the castle to rescue Fiona to the song "Holding Out for a Hero"...something just wells up inside of me and makes me want to create something. I feel like I've been infected by something great and good and bigger than myself, and I want to share it. But I get so frustrated because I can't express what I feel. I can't let it out. I want to write, but when I sit down to do it, nothing comes out. Sometimes I've just pulled my violin out and started to play...but that just floats out the window and nothing lasts. It helps relieve things for the time being, but it's not completely satisfying. One day though, I'll discover what it is I have to infect the world with, and it'll be good. And I'll create this urge in someone else.

*The above alluded-to books are "The Shadow of the Bear" by Regina Doman and "An Echo in the Darkness" by Francine Rivers.

Relax. Anything can happen!

You know those books that are about one topic, but what they have to say can actually be applied to a lot of things? Well, I'm reading one. It's had a lot to say, but two things that have really stuck out to me are "Nothing is certain. Anything can happen." and "You don't have to know what's going to happen next to be successful."

Relax.

I really haven't a clue what's going to happen...and I always thought I accepted the fact and could go with the flow. But because so many of my posts have been about this topic or wanted to be about it, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not so good at going with the flow. Or rather, just relaxing and not worrying about where things are going. I guess I still think I'm reasonably good at going with the flow, I just worry about it at the same time.

Another point the book I'm reading has made is that every moment is unique. It's never been this moment before. And it will never be this moment again because each moment is determined by the ones that came before. So anything can happen. A lot has.

One day I want to write a book like this. A book about one thing but really is just about life. Look for it...Coming in 10 years to a bookstore near YOU!

Thankfuls

Yet again I really don't have anything to say, but I feel like posting anyway. It's 1:30 am, I'm up staring at computer screens, listening to Natalie McMaster and thinking about how perfectly happy and content I am right now. It's a strange feeling, considering the circumstances, but very pleasant. I had a talk with my dad yesterday, and chatted with Stefan tonight, and both of them said things I needed to hear. Mostly reminders, which is good. I don't have to have my life figured out...it'll all come right in God's timing. I just have to obey His commands. Funny thing though, I kept saying all the same stuff to Hillary this weekend and apparently promptly forgot it.

Life really is good though. Who cares that talking to a customer put me behind at work, or that I don't know how to explain what I believe about ghosts, or that I can make a good mocha? None of it really counts, and it shouldn't affect the quality of my life. I'm happy because I'm alive, God is good, and the sun is making a regular appearance. When I lay down with my 3 yo sister Gaelyn at bedtime and ask her if she wants to pray, she always says "How about we do thankfuls?" Three thankfuls for her, three for me. "I'm thankful for that Chelle-boy make the cake. I'm thankful for that we planted flowers. I'm thankful for that Danaka being nice to me." You know what? I think that's what life's really about. The thankfuls. Here are some of mine:
1. SUNSHINE!
2. Celtic music and violins
3. the colour green
4. different accents
5. grace
6. the unconditional love of God.
7. the music on the Pirates of the Caribbean
8. Third Day's album "Wherever You Are"

I wish I could share this feeling with you...I wish it would stay with me. I guess that's why we need to live our lives despite our feelings.

The Sun is shining! Spring is finally here!

It's been a long time, I see. I have lots of excuses, but the only really legit one is that for the last month or whatever I have been unable to access the Blogger site due to a program on our computers. That is now remedied, and I'm back with nothing to say.

Except that the sun is shining and I really shouldn't be on the computer right now but out enjoying it. I'm not going to get much of a chance to enjoy it for the next while. So, that's where I'm headed right now. Take luck and care.

Faith, Love, and the Will of God

Faith is important to me. The ability to let go and trust in God's goodness and His ability to catch me when I fall. Great things happen when you put the ball in God's court. That's when lions don't eat and people can die joyfully and fires don't consume. I want faith like the Great Ones had. They didn't all survive their physical ordeals--many of them died or are dying horrible deaths--but they have seen great works of the Lord because they trusted and relied on Him. I am not a faithful servant. I don't read the Bible every day. I don't pray every day. I don't go to church. I don't memorize Scripture. But I love the Lord. I guess, though, I should do some of these things more...it's just that they seem to turn into meaningless rituals. I don't want meaningless rituals though. And yet, I suppose growth comes with slogging through it too.

What is the essence of God's will? Here I mean His general will for mankind. A place to start would be the law. That seems to be what Judaism is based on. And the law is summed up as "love the Lord" and "love others". That's God's will. Jesus said we are His friends if we do what He commanded us, and in that same passage He commands us twice to love others and once to bear fruit--presumably to spread the love. Virtually everything else He tells us to do fits under the heading of 'love'. So if you think about it that way, His will is simple: Love me, love them. Simple, but not always so easy. I guess that's where the faith comes in. When you're faced with a situation where you can't find love for someone, you have to act it anyway, trusting that God will provide it. Love is a choice, not a feeling, so when you choose to love someone you don't like, God will provide the strength to show it. Maybe He'll even send the feeling. But if you do it without grudging, He can show you the things about that person that He loves.

I have failed miserably here. I've bad-mouthed people, ignored them, ridiculed them, and dishonoured them in so many ways and I wish I could go back and change that but I can't. All I can do it change my responses in the future and pray God will help me next time.

introspection at easter

I've taken this test 4 times now...I like to do the same one on different days to see if the results change. 3 times I was a concerned creator, so that must mean that's what I am, huh? Anyway, a personality test fits with my train of thought for the last few weeks. I've been asking a lot of self-analyzing questions recently. Lots of questions...not many answers yet. I can't be the only person who finds they can't think in complete sentences, can I?

Well anyway, happy easter! God bless you all.

The details here.

Big Post: Big Numbers

For some things, 100 is a big number. For this, my One Hundreth Post, I'd like to share another very large number I came across the other day. It's one hundred million billion billion billion billion billion. It looks like this:
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
(or so I've been told...he said it was a 10 with 53 zeros after it)

It's gotta be there SOMEWHERE!

Edit: My sister won a gold medal today in the individual air rifle competition. She got 388 points out of 400. Silver got 383 points.


1. It is snowing AGAIN today! I thought I didn't live in Alberta so that my winter would be ONE WEEK of snow and a few months of rain...apparently not.

2. I've been thinking about a couple of verses recently. I seem to like the ones that say "If you...then this." So, here it is:

"And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."
Colossians 2:6-7

Why does it always make things sound so easy? I feel sometimes like when it comes to roots, I've hit a rock and can't go any further, and when it comes to building...well, I think I picked a different building site than the one Jesus laid a foundation for. Or did I just pick a different building plan, and so only sort of missed the foundation? Which is worse because then part of your house is sure to fall down. But of course there are other times (times I hope are me seeing things clearly!) when I think, "Hey, I didn't really miss the foundation, and that rock? It wasn't that big after all." So there is hope.

3. I've been thinking of something else as well. My plans have changed and they're big exciting ones that don't include E. Hastings and homeless people and changing the world...and I keep wondering if that's ok with Him. I mean...was/is His plan for me to go to Vancouver like I'd planned, or was it just that...my plan? Does it particularly matter to Him where I go? I remember just KNOWING that DTS for me was supposed to be in Van. And I remember Susan saying He left the choice up to her...it didn't matter where it was. Why couldn't He just give me a map with lines telling me where to go? I've been learning a lot of things recently and there are some logical steps that should be taken, but since when does God operate soley in the logical? So many times He's done the illogical, or asked for the illogical, but He also created logic and uses it too. So you can't just go with the logical steps, but you can't wait around for the illogical instruction either or you may not go anywhere ever.

4. How do you know when it's God talking? And not just you? And NOBODY tell me to go read that Cunningham book.

AAAAHHHHH!!!! SNOW! >:(

Winter has AGAIN reared it's ugly head and dumped white stuff on us. Bah!

So, my sister is in Whitehorse right now, competing in the Canada winter games. She and a team mate shot this morning and together snagged a bronze medal. They were only one point behind silver, two behind gold, and four behind the current record. I'm so proud of her! She shot 391 points out of a possible 400. Not bad, huh?

Daddy's Little Girl

Layne Johnson, February 2007

“I was daddy's little girl. A much-wanted only child. I remember weekends with my parents at the zoo. Daddy would swing me up on his shoulders so I could see the lions. We would imitate the monkeys, Daddy sometimes holding his arms out so I could hang from them and pretend I was swinging from branch to branch. After a while we'd always get thirsty, so off we'd go to search out an ice cream sandwich and a bottle of Coke. Mom never approved of that. She was all for packing tuna sandwiches and bottled water to bring with us. But Daddy always said “Tuna sandwiches and water don't go with the zoo, Mary.”

I went to the best schools my parents could afford. I wore trendy clothes, was popular, and I was a good kid. When I was in high school I began dating this really cute guy. He was fun, daring, and utterly charming...and wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I had my life all planned out; how I was going to school to be a designer, I would move to New York to start my business, and one day I'd be famous. Joel didn't really fit in the plan, but that was okay. We were still in high school and it was enough to have fun for now.

Near the end of my grade 12 year my dad died in a hit-and-run incident. The police never found who did it. Amazingly I managed to graduate, but without my dad nothing seemed to matter. I remember sitting at the kitchen table one Sunday morning watching Mom frying pancakes, and we were talking about the future. Most of my parents' savings had been used for Dad's funeral, and he didn't have life insurance. Mom had gotten a job at a drugstore but it didn't pay very well. Not even enough to cover mortgage payments. We had to sell the house and move to a smaller one in a more affordable neighbourhood. All of a sudden college, fashion designing, and New York seemed unattainable. And at this point I wasn't even sure if that was what I really wanted.

I got a day job at a dollar store and an afternoon one at a coffee shop that hosted live musicians on Friday nights. Joel landed a few gigs there. After graduation we'd kind of broken up, but he was often around anyway. He offered his help to Mom and I if ever we were to need it, and told me that our changed circumstances didn't matter to him at all. One day he wrote a song for me...and another, and another. A month later he asked me to move in with him. He said he loved me, wanted to take care of me, and wanted to help me fulfill my dreams. I said sure. Life was almost bliss for about six months. And then reality set in. Joel's career refused to take off. We had no money. My dreams were drifting farther and farther away, with no glimmer of hope that I could ever reach them. And then the dreadful discovery that I was pregnant.

Because of our financial situation, Joel insisted I have an abortion. “We can't afford a baby. We can't provide a good life for one at this point,” he said. So on a wet Tuesday afternoon I did. I was depressed for months after that. Joel was patient with me for a while, but finally one day he told me to go visit my mom for the afternoon. I didn't want to go, but he called a cab for me and sent me off anyway. I hadn't seen my mom for months...I wouldn't return her calls. I didn't want to talk to her. How could I tell her what I'd done? I couldn't do that. So that afternoon we just talked about surface things. I only stayed an hour and then went back home. But home wasn't there anymore. The door was locked. I heard music from inside. I pounded on the door. Joel opened it a crack and peeked out. “Let me in, Joel! It's raining.” He slipped an envelope out and closed the door. The lock clicked. “What is this? Let me in!” I yelled and pounded the door again. He turned up the volume so he could no longer hear me. I pounded and yelled till the neighbours threatened to call the police on me. So I picked up the envelope and left.

I walked for a while in the rain, and finally stopped under a shop overhang to open the letter. The letter inside was wet and the ink ran, so most of it was illegible. What I could decipher basically said that he could no longer handle my depression, I was holding him back, and he didn't want to see me again. Ever. I spent the night out in the street.”

The next night the police reported a Jane Doe found behind a dumpster: an apparent suicide.

I was once like you.

This is not a true story, but it has come about through reflection on several conversations I had with people I met in Downtown Vancouver, and a poem a friend wrote recently. Thank you for reading.

DON'T turn it on if you can't turn it off!

So, over the intercom I hear "Attention all shoppers: We are going to be testing our fire alarm system in a few minutes. There will be three short alarms. Again, this is a test."


Five minutes later ear-splitting alarms go off...and don't stop...for the next TEN MINUTES! Finally they get shut off and we all take the napkins out of our ears and say "I sure hope that was all three combined! They'd better not be doing that again!"


The manager comes out and laughs about how someone set the alarm off but couldn't figure out how to turn it off...and it'll be going off two more times. "But just short ones this time. Really."


Oh yeah.


Five minutes later the second alarm is finally off. Faster than the one before, but they still don't have the hang of it. Last one was about 5 seconds long. FINALLY a short one. My ears were ringing for the next fifteen minutes though.




Our manager runs around with a million things in his head...really, he does a pretty good job. Still, I was wondering what he'd say if I were to ask for yesterday off...how long would he think about it before giving me an answer? I'll have to try sometime.

Number 9.

Kid no. 9 should be arriving in June or July. Yay!

would you...?

Would you build a coffin for a friend? If they asked you to?

Who are you?

What do you want in life? What things matter most to you? What makes you happy? Where are you going? How do you get there? Why are you here? What one thing draws the line between a good day and a bad one?

"Our God is an awesome God..."

MY GOD IS SO AWESOME! He's bringing things together in ways I didn't expect...changing ideas, presenting different opportunities, sending encouragement in things that weren't meant to be that way (ie. darn ravens dropping seeds)...I think this has been a God day. You cannot realize how happy I am at this minute! God is good, life is good, and I think the fog may be lifting a little.

Sorry for the vagueness. I need to see how this all works out first.

Come what may...He's looking out for us. Don't forget that in your wanderings.

Word Play

"I ran into Jordan yesterday."


"Oh? How's he doing?"


"He's in the hospital getting his arm x-rayed and his head stitched up."


"WHAT HAPPENED?"


"I ran into him."

Stupid winter.

I hate snow.