goodbye

This blog no longer serves any real purpose, and is running a great risk of doing harm instead of any kind of good or harmlessness. If that makes any sense. So, adios to any and all who read this stuff. Thanks for your attention, but it is better to turn it somewhere else.

Creative impulses and the lack of output

I have this great urge to write right now. So I sat down to generally outline a story idea I've had for a while...and discovered that it's a very STUPID story, and I really don't want to write it. But what DO I want to write? I don't know. I want to write something that makes people laugh. And inspires them to create something themselves. A lot of my favorite movies do that. Like "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" and "Flushed Away" and "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe." Pretty well anything that has a great character (like Rita) or strong emotion (like Mr. Smith talking himself hoarse in the Senate) or great drama (like the White Witch revealing to Mr. Tumnus that it was Ed who betrayed him for a few pieces of Turkish Delight) inspires this. I guess it's the same with my favorite books too. It's pretty hard to beat Fish...tied to a post in a dark basement, frantically trying to get loose as he watches Rose slowly suffocating; her head covered in a plastic bag*. Or when Marcus Valerian tries to drown himself in the Sea of Galilee but survives and finds hope and life and the two greatest desires of his heart instead.*.

I can't describe the feeling I get every time I watch The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and see Mr. Tumnus looking EXACTLY as I'd always pictured him. Or listening to Focus On The Family's Radio Theatre version of the same story and just KNOW that the voice they chose for Edmund was PERFECT. And when music is perfectly matched to the action in the movie, like the part in the Fellowship of the Ring when Gandalf goes down with the belrog, or Shrek fights his way in the castle to rescue Fiona to the song "Holding Out for a Hero"...something just wells up inside of me and makes me want to create something. I feel like I've been infected by something great and good and bigger than myself, and I want to share it. But I get so frustrated because I can't express what I feel. I can't let it out. I want to write, but when I sit down to do it, nothing comes out. Sometimes I've just pulled my violin out and started to play...but that just floats out the window and nothing lasts. It helps relieve things for the time being, but it's not completely satisfying. One day though, I'll discover what it is I have to infect the world with, and it'll be good. And I'll create this urge in someone else.

*The above alluded-to books are "The Shadow of the Bear" by Regina Doman and "An Echo in the Darkness" by Francine Rivers.

Relax. Anything can happen!

You know those books that are about one topic, but what they have to say can actually be applied to a lot of things? Well, I'm reading one. It's had a lot to say, but two things that have really stuck out to me are "Nothing is certain. Anything can happen." and "You don't have to know what's going to happen next to be successful."

Relax.

I really haven't a clue what's going to happen...and I always thought I accepted the fact and could go with the flow. But because so many of my posts have been about this topic or wanted to be about it, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not so good at going with the flow. Or rather, just relaxing and not worrying about where things are going. I guess I still think I'm reasonably good at going with the flow, I just worry about it at the same time.

Another point the book I'm reading has made is that every moment is unique. It's never been this moment before. And it will never be this moment again because each moment is determined by the ones that came before. So anything can happen. A lot has.

One day I want to write a book like this. A book about one thing but really is just about life. Look for it...Coming in 10 years to a bookstore near YOU!

Thankfuls

Yet again I really don't have anything to say, but I feel like posting anyway. It's 1:30 am, I'm up staring at computer screens, listening to Natalie McMaster and thinking about how perfectly happy and content I am right now. It's a strange feeling, considering the circumstances, but very pleasant. I had a talk with my dad yesterday, and chatted with Stefan tonight, and both of them said things I needed to hear. Mostly reminders, which is good. I don't have to have my life figured out...it'll all come right in God's timing. I just have to obey His commands. Funny thing though, I kept saying all the same stuff to Hillary this weekend and apparently promptly forgot it.

Life really is good though. Who cares that talking to a customer put me behind at work, or that I don't know how to explain what I believe about ghosts, or that I can make a good mocha? None of it really counts, and it shouldn't affect the quality of my life. I'm happy because I'm alive, God is good, and the sun is making a regular appearance. When I lay down with my 3 yo sister Gaelyn at bedtime and ask her if she wants to pray, she always says "How about we do thankfuls?" Three thankfuls for her, three for me. "I'm thankful for that Chelle-boy make the cake. I'm thankful for that we planted flowers. I'm thankful for that Danaka being nice to me." You know what? I think that's what life's really about. The thankfuls. Here are some of mine:
1. SUNSHINE!
2. Celtic music and violins
3. the colour green
4. different accents
5. grace
6. the unconditional love of God.
7. the music on the Pirates of the Caribbean
8. Third Day's album "Wherever You Are"

I wish I could share this feeling with you...I wish it would stay with me. I guess that's why we need to live our lives despite our feelings.

Faith, Love, and the Will of God

Faith is important to me. The ability to let go and trust in God's goodness and His ability to catch me when I fall. Great things happen when you put the ball in God's court. That's when lions don't eat and people can die joyfully and fires don't consume. I want faith like the Great Ones had. They didn't all survive their physical ordeals--many of them died or are dying horrible deaths--but they have seen great works of the Lord because they trusted and relied on Him. I am not a faithful servant. I don't read the Bible every day. I don't pray every day. I don't go to church. I don't memorize Scripture. But I love the Lord. I guess, though, I should do some of these things more...it's just that they seem to turn into meaningless rituals. I don't want meaningless rituals though. And yet, I suppose growth comes with slogging through it too.

What is the essence of God's will? Here I mean His general will for mankind. A place to start would be the law. That seems to be what Judaism is based on. And the law is summed up as "love the Lord" and "love others". That's God's will. Jesus said we are His friends if we do what He commanded us, and in that same passage He commands us twice to love others and once to bear fruit--presumably to spread the love. Virtually everything else He tells us to do fits under the heading of 'love'. So if you think about it that way, His will is simple: Love me, love them. Simple, but not always so easy. I guess that's where the faith comes in. When you're faced with a situation where you can't find love for someone, you have to act it anyway, trusting that God will provide it. Love is a choice, not a feeling, so when you choose to love someone you don't like, God will provide the strength to show it. Maybe He'll even send the feeling. But if you do it without grudging, He can show you the things about that person that He loves.

I have failed miserably here. I've bad-mouthed people, ignored them, ridiculed them, and dishonoured them in so many ways and I wish I could go back and change that but I can't. All I can do it change my responses in the future and pray God will help me next time.

It's gotta be there SOMEWHERE!

Edit: My sister won a gold medal today in the individual air rifle competition. She got 388 points out of 400. Silver got 383 points.


1. It is snowing AGAIN today! I thought I didn't live in Alberta so that my winter would be ONE WEEK of snow and a few months of rain...apparently not.

2. I've been thinking about a couple of verses recently. I seem to like the ones that say "If you...then this." So, here it is:

"And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness."
Colossians 2:6-7

Why does it always make things sound so easy? I feel sometimes like when it comes to roots, I've hit a rock and can't go any further, and when it comes to building...well, I think I picked a different building site than the one Jesus laid a foundation for. Or did I just pick a different building plan, and so only sort of missed the foundation? Which is worse because then part of your house is sure to fall down. But of course there are other times (times I hope are me seeing things clearly!) when I think, "Hey, I didn't really miss the foundation, and that rock? It wasn't that big after all." So there is hope.

3. I've been thinking of something else as well. My plans have changed and they're big exciting ones that don't include E. Hastings and homeless people and changing the world...and I keep wondering if that's ok with Him. I mean...was/is His plan for me to go to Vancouver like I'd planned, or was it just that...my plan? Does it particularly matter to Him where I go? I remember just KNOWING that DTS for me was supposed to be in Van. And I remember Susan saying He left the choice up to her...it didn't matter where it was. Why couldn't He just give me a map with lines telling me where to go? I've been learning a lot of things recently and there are some logical steps that should be taken, but since when does God operate soley in the logical? So many times He's done the illogical, or asked for the illogical, but He also created logic and uses it too. So you can't just go with the logical steps, but you can't wait around for the illogical instruction either or you may not go anywhere ever.

4. How do you know when it's God talking? And not just you? And NOBODY tell me to go read that Cunningham book.

Daddy's Little Girl

Layne Johnson, February 2007

“I was daddy's little girl. A much-wanted only child. I remember weekends with my parents at the zoo. Daddy would swing me up on his shoulders so I could see the lions. We would imitate the monkeys, Daddy sometimes holding his arms out so I could hang from them and pretend I was swinging from branch to branch. After a while we'd always get thirsty, so off we'd go to search out an ice cream sandwich and a bottle of Coke. Mom never approved of that. She was all for packing tuna sandwiches and bottled water to bring with us. But Daddy always said “Tuna sandwiches and water don't go with the zoo, Mary.”

I went to the best schools my parents could afford. I wore trendy clothes, was popular, and I was a good kid. When I was in high school I began dating this really cute guy. He was fun, daring, and utterly charming...and wanted to be a singer. I wanted to be a fashion designer. I had my life all planned out; how I was going to school to be a designer, I would move to New York to start my business, and one day I'd be famous. Joel didn't really fit in the plan, but that was okay. We were still in high school and it was enough to have fun for now.

Near the end of my grade 12 year my dad died in a hit-and-run incident. The police never found who did it. Amazingly I managed to graduate, but without my dad nothing seemed to matter. I remember sitting at the kitchen table one Sunday morning watching Mom frying pancakes, and we were talking about the future. Most of my parents' savings had been used for Dad's funeral, and he didn't have life insurance. Mom had gotten a job at a drugstore but it didn't pay very well. Not even enough to cover mortgage payments. We had to sell the house and move to a smaller one in a more affordable neighbourhood. All of a sudden college, fashion designing, and New York seemed unattainable. And at this point I wasn't even sure if that was what I really wanted.

I got a day job at a dollar store and an afternoon one at a coffee shop that hosted live musicians on Friday nights. Joel landed a few gigs there. After graduation we'd kind of broken up, but he was often around anyway. He offered his help to Mom and I if ever we were to need it, and told me that our changed circumstances didn't matter to him at all. One day he wrote a song for me...and another, and another. A month later he asked me to move in with him. He said he loved me, wanted to take care of me, and wanted to help me fulfill my dreams. I said sure. Life was almost bliss for about six months. And then reality set in. Joel's career refused to take off. We had no money. My dreams were drifting farther and farther away, with no glimmer of hope that I could ever reach them. And then the dreadful discovery that I was pregnant.

Because of our financial situation, Joel insisted I have an abortion. “We can't afford a baby. We can't provide a good life for one at this point,” he said. So on a wet Tuesday afternoon I did. I was depressed for months after that. Joel was patient with me for a while, but finally one day he told me to go visit my mom for the afternoon. I didn't want to go, but he called a cab for me and sent me off anyway. I hadn't seen my mom for months...I wouldn't return her calls. I didn't want to talk to her. How could I tell her what I'd done? I couldn't do that. So that afternoon we just talked about surface things. I only stayed an hour and then went back home. But home wasn't there anymore. The door was locked. I heard music from inside. I pounded on the door. Joel opened it a crack and peeked out. “Let me in, Joel! It's raining.” He slipped an envelope out and closed the door. The lock clicked. “What is this? Let me in!” I yelled and pounded the door again. He turned up the volume so he could no longer hear me. I pounded and yelled till the neighbours threatened to call the police on me. So I picked up the envelope and left.

I walked for a while in the rain, and finally stopped under a shop overhang to open the letter. The letter inside was wet and the ink ran, so most of it was illegible. What I could decipher basically said that he could no longer handle my depression, I was holding him back, and he didn't want to see me again. Ever. I spent the night out in the street.”

The next night the police reported a Jane Doe found behind a dumpster: an apparent suicide.

I was once like you.

This is not a true story, but it has come about through reflection on several conversations I had with people I met in Downtown Vancouver, and a poem a friend wrote recently. Thank you for reading.

DON'T turn it on if you can't turn it off!

So, over the intercom I hear "Attention all shoppers: We are going to be testing our fire alarm system in a few minutes. There will be three short alarms. Again, this is a test."


Five minutes later ear-splitting alarms go off...and don't stop...for the next TEN MINUTES! Finally they get shut off and we all take the napkins out of our ears and say "I sure hope that was all three combined! They'd better not be doing that again!"


The manager comes out and laughs about how someone set the alarm off but couldn't figure out how to turn it off...and it'll be going off two more times. "But just short ones this time. Really."


Oh yeah.


Five minutes later the second alarm is finally off. Faster than the one before, but they still don't have the hang of it. Last one was about 5 seconds long. FINALLY a short one. My ears were ringing for the next fifteen minutes though.




Our manager runs around with a million things in his head...really, he does a pretty good job. Still, I was wondering what he'd say if I were to ask for yesterday off...how long would he think about it before giving me an answer? I'll have to try sometime.

Number 9.

Kid no. 9 should be arriving in June or July. Yay!

Who are you?

What do you want in life? What things matter most to you? What makes you happy? Where are you going? How do you get there? Why are you here? What one thing draws the line between a good day and a bad one?

"Our God is an awesome God..."

MY GOD IS SO AWESOME! He's bringing things together in ways I didn't expect...changing ideas, presenting different opportunities, sending encouragement in things that weren't meant to be that way (ie. darn ravens dropping seeds)...I think this has been a God day. You cannot realize how happy I am at this minute! God is good, life is good, and I think the fog may be lifting a little.

Sorry for the vagueness. I need to see how this all works out first.

Come what may...He's looking out for us. Don't forget that in your wanderings.

That day

"My first sight of Grandpa made me cry. He lay in the hospital bed that had been moved into his and Grandma's bedroom. The blanket was pulled up under his chin and all you could see was his head. All the hollows were sunken in and his skin was very yellow. He smiled a little when he saw me, and I leaned over and gave him a hug. I felt like I might break him, he was so fragile....I knelt down beside the bed and told Grandpa about my week of hanging out with homeless people and giving roses to prostitutes. As I talked his eyes kept closing. I think he dozed of and I left the room. I sat on a chair in Grandma's livingroom and cried hard....The last time I went in was just before we left. I leaned over and kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. "I love you." he said in a strained voice hardly louder than a whisper....

"Sunday afternoon [Dec 11] I went with Hillary, Jill, Jana, Eunie, Melissa, and Andrew to UBC. We just walked around exploring. After we'd been there for a while (it was about 4:40) Hillary's cell rang. I was just about to run around an indian longhouse when Hillary said the phone was for me. Everyone got very quiet...When I got off the phone I found myself in a big bear hug in Hillary's arms. I was very soon hugged from behind by several other people..."


Edit: I wasn't/am not particularly sad or anything. I wanted to edit this post and say that earlier, but the power has been out at my house and I haven't had access to the internet.

...happy birthday.

I think I've learned a lot this past year about life. A constantly recurring theme is "people need someone to listen to them." I've seen it in my friends in DTS who wouldn't seem to let me get a word in the conversation unless I raised my hand (I can be very quiet at times)[Edit: I'm really not trying to make anyone feel bad. It only happened in group settings, not one-on-one talks.], the people I met on the street who had life-stories they wanted to share, my co-workers, and the counceling course I took at the Crisis Pregnancy Center. I'm a person and I need to be heard, but when I talk I've begun to take more notice of the things my listener does that make me either feel heard or ignored. I'm trying to learn how to be a better listener so that even if I don't have someone to listen to me, I can still provide it for others.

Another thing I've experienced is that while religions mean something, denominations do not. Whether someone is Baptist, Pentecostal, Methodist, Anglican, Catholic, or whatever, it doesn't matter. If they are a Christian then we both share basic common beliefs. The differences don't matter. They have some things right that I don't have, and the other way around, and it's not worth fighting about.

I've met a few Christian customers at work. Most of them I haven't been able to talk to much, but from the first moment of finding out we're both Christians there's a connection. And for a moment I don't feel so...adrift. It's like being lost in a huge crowd and suddenly seeing a familiar face.

I've had a pretty sheltered life. Practically everyone I've associated with has been a Christian. There's always been that connection. You say things and they know what you're talking about (or at least have some sort of idea) because you both speak christianese...things can be unsaid because you both know what's behind what you say. And even the way I've worded this paragraph...Some people are going to know what some of these things are that I'm talking about, and some won't have a clue. Another example would maybe be my plan to move to Vancouver. I tend to simplify it because not everyone gets the idea of "feeling it's where the Lord wants you." Huh? What's God got to do with it? But that's why the face doesn't have to BE familiar to FEEL familiar.

I've learned that I am capable of more than I realize. I have more to offer people than I realize. And all this 'more' is because Jesus dwells in me and works through me. So it's not really me but Him. He can do big things through me. I don't ever have to do things alone in my own weak strength.

I've learned that what you do with tragedies and bad times prepares you to help someone else through their own hard times.

I've learned that attitude problems are hard to deal with because they're slippery and don't like getting stuck in corners where you can lay your hands on them. I'm still trying to pin them down to figure out what's wrong with me.

You can't change other people. You can only change your reaction.

This next year I hope to gain a better understanding of who I am and what I have to offer the world, because Myself and I are just accquaintances. I keep surprising myself with my contradicting personality. I don't make a lot of sense. Do I have a split personality?

The view from here

I still don’t have anything concrete yet, but things feel like maybe they’re slipping a little closer to where they should be. Maybe it’s just the realization I came to the other day. It came as quite the shock actually. I realized that I want to live in Vancouver and be involved in some sort of street ministry. I still don’t know what it will be, but the realization is that this is something that I WANT. You know, it’s been a very long time since I set my heart on something. So long that I can’t even remember when the last time was or what it was. I guess I always figured that setting your heart on anything was a sure way to be disappointed. Better to just go with the flow and make something out of whatever comes my way. It’s the reason why I’ve felt so lost since ‘graduating’. Everyone else always seemed to have something they were working towards…”I’m going to be a doctor” “I’m taking courses for nursing”…you get it. Me? I don’t want to do any of that stuff. I know what I want to do with my life, but it’s kind of not pursuable at the moment, so what do I do to fill in the time? I don’t want to collect a lot of debt on education I’m not going to use. I don’t want a career as the world sees it. But now I feel like I know what I want, I’ve let myself want it, it doesn’t seem to conflict with my long-term desire…It feels like a great leap ahead just because it’s something I WANT and not something that’s drifted by me. And more is coming. I’m starting to get an idea of how my life might look in the somewhat near future. Possibilities of things to pursue...things I never really considered before.

aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You pull an elastic band and marvel at how far it goes. SNAP! Fingers sting from the force.

Today was such a great day. Why did it have to snap back at me? Once again I just want to lash out at something...anything. To loose control just once and relieve the tension. Enjoy a big smash. This is getting to be way too common of an occurance.

work, psychology and family...my day

What a weird day! On the way to work we found part of the road was flooded. Then as we approached the parking lot to the store we got re-routed to the back, so decided to park in the underground parking. An older gent met us down there and said that the power was out and the store was closing! So I ran in to see what was up (and desperately hoping it was closed for the whole day so I could go home) and was told that the store was on back-up generators but we should have power in a few hours, though it wasn't garaunteed...In other words I had to stay. Power was out for four hours and we got all the closing stuff done...everything got cleaned, food put away...and then the power came back on. Darn. So later tonight I had to do it all over again.

I told a lady at work about the volcano in my dream. She said it must be the way my subconcious translated the earthquake that hit...Japan was it? And there was a tsunami warning on the westcoast! Eight-foot wave expected. I heard later the warning was called off. What excitement though!

Side note: In general, I love my job! I just met yet another Christian in that non-denominational way where you can enjoy the family relationship without the squabbles over churches. A coffee shop is a neutral place to meet 'family'.

I pulled a fish's eyeball out with my bare hands once...

Pardon my trite exclamation, but today is a BEAUTIFUL day! The sun is finally shining, and the ocean is so dark...quite the contrast between it and all the fishing boats out there. There's at least 30 boats out, at the moment. Is it herring season? I should know by now...yeah, I think it is...eggs in the spring, fish in the fall...gotta be...but there doesn't appear to be much for gulls. I heard the sealions out there this morning though. And the swans will be here soon! The ocean gets busy at this time of year. All we're missing are a pod of orcas...and all the fishermen chase me with axes and saws in protest.

Rule of Life #4

The elevator moves faster if you actually press the button.

FIRE!

As one person asked me yesterday, "How many fires can one small town take?" I don't know. Have we recovered from the second one yet? How long will it take us to recover from yesterday's? Let's see...

I wish I could have seen it though. I've missed them all. Arrived in town 2 weeks after the first and most spectacular one. I've been told the day the grocery store burned down (I currently work in the new one, and let me tell you, they are paranoid of fires now!) the whole town cried!

On another note, Rauchelle informs me that Mom and Dad saw a crocodile yesterday from their hotel room...or wherever they were staying. It disappeared into the bush before Dad could get down there to take it's picture, and he wasn't too keen on hunting it up in there. And with Amy riding elephants in Thailand...I think FINALLY the travel bug is biting me. Maybe I'll go rope me a grizzly so I don't feel left out. =D

I'm reading Education of a Wandering Man by Louis L'Amour at the moment. Very interesting book...right down my alley. Even some of you non-L'Amour fans or out-right anti-L'Amour people should read it. It is NOT a western...nor is it even a work of fiction. It's a memior. About how education is NOT restricted to the schoolroom, and that sometimes school is the restriction. I promise, on my honour, not to rant here. I'll just state that my personal opinion is that school is highly over-rated, though not totally without use. But back to the book...he talks about his travels, the people he met and what he learned from them, how he got interested in certain things (like boxing), the books he read and how he came across them and how they changed him, the jobs he held...a little random and rambling, and so far wholey to my taste.

hmmm...I'm never quite sure how honest to be on here...how much to say and left unsaid...what things are worth saying...what things just make everthing worse. Thus the vagueness of the lies and the wall (which are connected btw. The lies are the foundation of the wall). But I want to appologize to any and all of my friends who have at any time been hurt by my skeptical view of the nice things you've done for me or said to me (and especially to the person who threatens to hit me with their shoe...I'm not scared of it, but I'm sorry), or felt pushed away with no idea why. I can't say why I do it...I don't want to, and I don't know why it happens but it does. I love you all...and I want you to know, though I'm not sure how many friends actually READ this stuff. Anyway, I'm trying to work through it all...have patience? =S I'm an over-dramatic emotional mess right now. So I'll quit talking right now...it'll only get worse.

Goodnight!

Attack of the appliance box (aka 'randomness')

So, nothing spectacular happened today. Nothing great popped into my head. Nothing I read stood out to me. Most of today at work I was frustrated for some reason...I felt like I COULD pick a fight or lay into someone...didn't though. And I got attacked by a CuisinArt cookware box in the back...have a nice cut on my chin to show for the tussel. Yes, it fell from above and landed on my face! And yet, despite all that, today really doesn't feel like it was THAT bad. Maybe it's because I remind myself that I'm not the one who attended a funeral today, or found out that someone they loved died a few days ago. There were definately several people at work who had more reason than I to have a bad day.

And I get the next two days off!!! Life is pretty good after all.

BTW, I made these REALLY good cookies yesterday...can't get a whole lot more chocolate-y than these. They didn't turn out quite right for me (supposed to melt in your mouth), but they were still good, and when they turn out right they are AWESOME! Check out the recipe here.